I kinda like choppy english in a fantasy campaign; like the 'common' tongue is everyone's second language and there's bits of grammar fault as they all use what they need and leave out what they don't care about.
That's me as a writer; try getting an editor behind that idea.
This is REALLY good. I love the design on the characters, and the dialogue is a lot funnier than I expected. English may not be your first language but I don't think I caught any major grammatical or spelling errors.
wow... awesome! im just amazed for how fluently you can read the story! and the characters are awesome, and their personalities seems to be very entertaining untill the end stein and azriel are just... xD well, i gonna buy it ;D